Blogging to kill time

As I sit here at work wondering when I am going to be assigned any work to do, and wondering what exactly my boss thinks I'm working on all day every day when I plainly told him in yesterday's department meeting that I don't have anything to work on this week, I decided I could kill time by blogging. I've been working on the Week in Review post in the background, but that's a little boring to write, and it won't be posted until Thursday morning. This post will address a few miscellaneous thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head over the past couple of days.

About Me - Curler?

First, some good news: I will be curling again this year! I could easily do an entire About Me post on "Curler," but I haven't considered myself to be a curler for a few years. I balked at the cost of being a full-time curler in 2005--it is a surprisingly costly sport!--and have only been occasionally sparing since then. This year, I will be curling half-time, so approximately every second week, or whenever the person I am sharing the position with can't make it. This is definitely a step up from last year's one game. Now that I'm getting back into it, it is only a matter of time before I add "Curler" to my About Me list and write a long post about my curling career (nearly 20 years!). That one will be interesting.

Ugh, here I go...

The other big news from yesterday is that I finally posted my profile on a couple of very different online dating sites, Lavalife and Match.com. There are numerous other sites out there, and it's amazing how little overlap in available single people there is between sites, so I will probably tackle a few more as this week wears on.

If you've never visited an online dating site, you may be picturing something like classified ads right now. "SWM seeking SWF for NSA fun." It's a little more robust than that. My profile alone is over 400 words long, and along with the profile you can include pictures of yourself (non-nude, unless you visit those sites) and answers to miscellaneous questions that the site asks you. Not everyone puts that much effort into their profile, but I always believe that if you are going to do something, you should put the effort in to do it right.

At this stage in my moving on, I'm not quite getting actively involved in the search for the next One. I'm sitting back and waiting to see if anyone is interested in me based on my rather unusually detailed profile. Every online dating site has a free notification process (a "smile" on Lavalife, for example) where you can indicate that you are interested in a person without having to subscribe to the service (a subscription generally costs $15 to $20 a month). To actually contact the person with an email requires the subscription. My online dating procedure has always been to wait for someone interesting to express interest in me and then I will subscribe for only one month to get the email conversation started. This is how I met my ex-wife, so I think it's a pretty good procedure. During that month of being subscribed, I can also email anyone else that I am interested in getting to know, if it doesn't actually work out with the person I subscribed for (which may have happened one or two or ten times in the past...).

I have browsed many of the available profiles, but have not been inspired to initiate contact with anyone yet. Frankly, browsing these profiles usually just makes me sick to my stomach. There's only so many times you can read "I like to have fun" or "I want someone who likes to have fun" without getting incredibly frustrated with the inanity of most people. What does that mean? Everybody likes to have fun; I'm pretty sure of that fact. But "fun" is also different for each person. So, by saying you like to have fun, you are saying nothing at all. And by saying you want to meet someone that likes to have fun, I can reply and say, "I like to have fun!--I watch science fiction television shows all the time!"

Why am I doing this to myself? I hate dating so much. But, if I can meet the right person for me, all the tough slogging through the wrong people pays off in a big way. But I don't want to just fixate on that ideal future; I need to try to enjoy the moment, which brings me to...

When did I become so damn future-focused?

I was having a good conversation with my ex-wife yesterday--yes, we still have good conversations!--and I started thinking about how through much of our marriage I was ridiculously future-focused. I was always looking ahead to that day when we'd be debt-free and be able to start traveling the world. When I could buy flowers for no reason without worrying about that $20. When I could splurge on some jewelry without worrying about where that would fit in the budget. Yeah, all of these examples are about money, because I was obsessed about getting out of debt--and still am!--but the key point is that I was so future-focused, I wasn't aware of bigger problems in the present.

What's somewhat amusing about all of this is that I got into this debt situation by being too present-focused. I was living in the moment, spending more money than I was making. Once I was struggling to make minimum payments on credit cards, I was forced to reevaluate my focus. And, in typical me fashion, I took it too far to the opposite extreme. I'm proud of what we accomplished when we buckled down in 2006 and 2007 and got rid of enough debt that the bank would give me a mortgage to buy our new house, but at the same time, we sacrificed a lot of things that should never have been sacrificed. This has always been, and will probably always be, my biggest regret.

And when we moved in to the new house, we again spent way too much money getting set up. Once again, I was back to the opposite extreme for a short time--the "got to have it now!" mentality. Those 2-year financing plans for furniture sure sound good when you have this delusional belief that you will easily have that money to pay it off in 2 years. Once the debt started piling up again, I flipped the switch and was back to future-focused. I've been stuck there now for a good two years, almost completely oblivious to the far more important present.

So, what's the moral here? It's pretty obvious, but I think the following terms make it pretty clear: middle ground, happy medium, and balance. I need to find that. And that is fucking hard.

About Me - Ex-husband and Father

Yeah, I know, "Homebrewer" was supposed to be next. It'll be next-next. I needed to get this one off my chest first.

When I first thought of doing this About Me Blog Series, the post that I felt the most trepidation about writing was "Ex-husband." What the hell was I going to write for that?

When I woke up this morning, I felt a strange compulsion to tackle this subject now. I don't have anything else to do today other than catch-up on downloaded TV shows, and you can only watch so much TV before you start feeling sick about how much time you have wasted watching TV. This is the reason I created this blog. This is a place for me to express myself, to vent, to think about my life, and also feel productive in a strange way.

The more I think about "Ex-husband," the more I realize how interlinked it is with "Father." Makes sense, right? Marriage is usually about starting a family. There will be more on this topic shortly.

When the statement was "Husband," it was quite possibly the most important label in the list. I really loved being a husband--even though I was apparently not a very good one--and being happily married was a tent pole in my life. I was happy to work every day to support our life, her career, and our dreams--shared dreams for a long happy future together. Once I had to add the "Ex," the label ceased to have meaning. An ex-something is nothing.

So, why not just remove it from the list? Trust me, I considered it strongly. I'm not even sure why I decided to keep it, honestly. Maybe I feel that it's better to be an ex-husband than to have never been a husband at all. Maybe I'm just keeping it in the list in anticipation of removing that "Ex" someday. Maybe being an ex-husband defines me more than I want to admit.

As an ex-husband looking back on his unsuccessful marriage, I have one thing at least to be happy about: we didn't have children. Segue!

When I added "Father" to my About Me list, it was almost as a joke. For anyone reading this blog that doesn't actually know me, no, I don't have kids named Cinnamon, Daisy, Fritzy, Furlicity, and Squeak. I have four cats and one dog (Daisy is the dog). These pets are my family, which makes me their adoptive father in a way. But, yeah, I always used the label "Father" in an ironic way. That is why I put the pet names in there, to make it clear that I haven't actually fathered any children.

My ex-wife was strongly opposed to having children. And I was completely fine with that. I have never felt that desire to start a traditional family by having kids of my own. As much as I feel that evolutionary push to leave some of my genes on this earth in the form of offspring, I resist because I don't want to raise a child. I certainly didn't want to raise children with my ex-wife, because there is nothing worse than two people who don't like kids having to deal with a kid.

So, when my ex-wife asked me to get a vasectomy, it should have been a no-brainer, right? But I resisted. And, holy shit, am I ever glad I did! (Yeah, I know that vasectomies are reversible, but as someone who is terrified of surgery, even simple day surgery, the last thing I need is to go through that shit twice.)

My reason for refusal was pretty straightforward. I didn't want to have kids with my current wife, but I wasn't completely opposed to the idea of someday having kids with someone else, if that someone else really, really wanted kids. At the time, I was only considering the event of sudden death; I honestly never considered the more likely event of divorce. But now here I am.

So, if the right person comes along, and that person wants children, I could someday be a non-ironic father. This thought terrifies me as much as the thought of searching again for the right person. But it's not because I think I would be a bad father. I had settled into a comfortable life where kids weren't an option and pets were our only family; now the future is unknown and unsettled and uncomfortable. That is terrifying to me.

There's another possibility here, too, which terrifies me even more than the thought of raising my own children. That right person for me might already have children. If I just immediately reject women that already have kids, I am really limiting my options. But I feel strongly that I don't want to help raise someone else's kids. This could be a bigger problem for my upcoming dating life than the atheism issue. Combine the two issues and... fuck me.

Coming full circle in this post, I still think I can be a good husband as well. In my first marriage, there was a mismatch of expectations. I will try to not let that happen again. I won't go through the ridiculous process of getting married again unless I feel that we are completely in sync. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I felt that way the first time around, but I'm maybe wiser and more perceptive now... maybe?

Before I end this post, I want to actually say a little bit about my pets--my family. They are important enough to me to be worthy of more mention than they received above.

Three of the four cats, Squeak, Cinnamon, and Fritzy, came from my ex-wife's mother's farm. The fourth cat, Furlicity, was a rescue from the Humane Society. We had recently lost Pumpkin, my favourite cat of all time--fuck, I just started tearing up thinking about poor Pumpkin--and a replacement fourth cat seemed like a good idea.

Squeak was the first to come into my life, moving in with me before my ex-wife did. I love Squeak, and will miss her tremendously when she inevitably passes on. She has had a rough life and is one hell of a survivor, but it is only a matter of time. Squeak is the only cat with the run of the house, and the only cat with backyard and bed privileges.

I have to admit that I have less affection for Cinnamon and Fritzy, who were pretty much forced upon me a few years ago. The situation they were in was definitely terrible, and I feel bad for what they've been through, but I can't help it that I don't love them like I love Squeak and Furlicity. But I treat them well and take good care of them. And if I am on the couch watching TV, Cinnamon is probably curled up in my lap.

Furlicity is the cat that makes me laugh the most, and also the cat that makes me the angriest. She is a shit disturber, constantly getting into trouble in the basement, but she hasn't destroyed anything of value yet... She will climb on the Wii Fit scale with me to fuck up the measurement. She will hop on the Total Gym with me to interrupt a work-out. She will completely destroy any boxes I leave sitting around on the basement floor. And she will try to rip my clothes to shreds with her claws. She also spends a fair bit of time on my lap, sharing the space with Cinnamon.

That brings me to Daisy, the dog. She is 3/4 Great Dane, 1/4 Great Pyrenees. Yes, that means she's pretty big. She's nearly 10 months old now, so still not fully grown; I don't know how big she will end up being, but 100 pounds is a safe estimate. The story of how Daisy came into my life is a little long (and frustrating) for this post, so I'll just say this for now: she is demanding, a pest, funny, a handful, intelligent, an earthquake-dog, trouble, a toy destroyer, entertainment, a cat attacker, work, a bed hog, and my friend.

Life without these pets would be no life at all.

About Me - Atheist

Welcome to the first post in my About Me Blog Series. I don't actually plan to go through these alphabetically, but this post on the Atheist label was the easiest to write for reasons that I am about to explain.

This is not my first blog. The first was an anonymous blog that was in operation for approximately two months in 2006. (I do intend for this blog to outlive that one, which should be easy; I'm already very happy with the content and frequency of posts here.) This is actually a slightly edited and updated repost from that first anonymous blog.

Pharyngula is probably my favourite blog. PZ Myers is an outspoken atheist biologist with wordsmith skills that put most other science bloggers to shame. This post from November 2006, inspired me to write the following story about how I define atheism and how I came to consider myself to be an atheist. Long story short: I always was an atheist, even if I didn't always call myself that. But the full story will take a lot more words to tell...

I grew up in a home that was not strongly religious. My parents weren't atheists--non-practicing Christians is probably accurate--but we also didn't pay many visits to the church. My brothers and I were all baptized, and I believe that we all attended some manner of Sunday school, but none of it ever stuck with me. By the time I was old enough to question Santa Claus, I was also not feeling the god love. But as a kid, you don't really think much about these things. I didn't grow up in a religious community, so religion simply didn't play much of a role in my life.

So I have no conversion story. I never was religious. I may have been Christian in name from the baptism on, but it never played any role in my development. I couldn't tell you the first time I realized I was actually unique in not believing in god. It's just kind of always been there in the back of my head. And it wasn't until I was a teenager that I started noticing how much of the world around me was into this whole Jebus thing.

For many of my public school years, the Lord's Prayer and God Save the Queen were rituals of every morning. The only thing I can remember about this daily ritual is the day that my friend got me into a giggling fit right in the middle of it, and we were both sent out into the hall for a stern talking to. I may have recited the words every day, but they meant nothing to me. (I am glad that they have removed this type of ritual from most public schools. Even though most kids don't give a shit about this kind of thing, it just has no place in public schools.)

I can't say when I was first exposed to the idea of atheism. Maybe when I was introduced to the internet in 1995, maybe there was some TV show I saw earlier... I really can't say. But I know that religion only started bothering me in my later high school years, and this carried through to the peak of my anti-religious furor in my early years of university.

My high school years were when I really started noticing how many of the small rituals we do every day had their basis in religion. I honestly hadn't noticed nor cared before, but suddenly someone saying grace was a piss-off. Everyone has some rebellious urges in their late teen years, and my rebellion was about religion. Not god per say. Just religion.

But it was a quiet rebellion. I just refused to partake in any of the rituals anymore. I wouldn't bow my head during prayer, nor during grace. I would be the only person still sitting in church during a wedding's devotion. I liked the minor attention that I earned with this type of behaviour. More and more, I considered myself to be anti-religious--specifically anti-Christian, because Christianity was the only religion with any visibility at the time.

University only strengthened my resolve. Campus Crusade for Christ advertised everywhere, which annoyed me--but whatever, that's their right. Much worse was their visit to my dorm room on an annual basis. These were my first actual encounters with Evangelical Christians, and they left a mark.

I am a hobby musician. I play guitar, sing, etc. I started writing my own songs in my late teens. Most of the early songs were heavily influenced by the alternative music of the time--especially the depressing lyrics. It wasn't me speaking for myself, it was me trying to capture the magic of my influences with forced artificiality. But after my third visit from Campus Crusade, I wrote one of my most personal and passionately angry songs, "Campus Crusade for Christ."

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
It's not your right to judge me

I can't believe your audacity
Knock on my door to tell me
He will save me
You see, I don't believe in your Heaven or Hell
Is your God good or evil? Sometimes I just can't tell

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
It's not your place to judge me

It's pretty simple, actually
The Bible is a work of fantasy
And it makes no sense to me
You see, I don't believe the stories about your Jesus
If you think about it, it's pretty damn ridiculous

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
You have no right to judge me
I've always been this way

So stop saying I'm boarding a speeding Chariot to Hell
If Heaven's for jerks like you, I guess it's just as well

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
You have no right to judge me
I've always been this way

This was the beginning of a string of religion-themed songs. Religion frequently made me angry, and music is an excellent way to vent. I also started venting by moving beyond the quiet rebellion into full-on asshole territory. I became arrogant in my anti-religion, and started saying anti-religious things just to draw attention to the fact that I didn't believe the same things that most people do. I angered a lot of people that way, because for them, religion is a serious part of their life and to have someone completely disrespect it is to have someone completely disrespecting them. But I felt like this religious society was disrespecting me, so it was fair.

If I had a conversion story, and I've already said that I don't, it would probably start like this: in 1996, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she passed away in 1997. If I had still believed in a god at this time, this would have been where I would have started hating it. But there was no god for me to hate.

In response to this loss, I sat down and wrote some of my most devastating lyrics to date. It was a five part suite titled "The Whispering," and part three of the suite, "Monday," is the most relevant to this discussion. Warning!--this song does not hold back on the language!

Sure I'd like to blame Him, say it's all His fucking fault!
And it would be nice to know that my mom's in a better place
But I can't believe in Him
I won't believe in Him!

As appealing as it may be
I won't... sacrifice... my beliefs for anything

Sure I'd like to blame Him, say fuck God and fuck you all!
And it would be reassuring to know that one day we'll be reunited
But I can't believe in Him
I won't believe in Him!

What has He done for me?
I won't... sacrifice... my beliefs for anything

At my mother's funeral on the "Monday" referenced in the song title, I finally found someone to hate: the preacher that delivered the ceremony. I understand that it is the preacher's job to comfort the family. And this is hard, because death is hard. However, how is this comforting?--my mother was taken from us at a young age because she was such a good person that god wanted her by its side early. Yes, this is what he said. Was I the only person in the room that realized how inherently offensive that statement was? I know he didn't mean to slam everyone else that didn't die, but by trying to place meaning on a meaningless death, he inadvertently suggested that the rest of us weren't good enough to die yet. God didn't want us.

This is why religion pisses me off. There is no meaning in life. People die for unfair reasons all the time, and once they die, they are gone, except for the mark they left on the people they leave behind. But this doesn't mean that life is not worth living, because it is. You have to enjoy it now for what it is, not hold out for what it could be in an imaginary immortal heaven. That mark that you leave behind--that is your immortality.

Before I continue my story, I want to address what the following key words mean to me: atheism, agnosticism, irreligion, and anti-religion.

Although I haven't believed in a god for a very long time, I only recently started calling myself an atheist. Why? I don't know, but I think the word "atheist" has been unfairly used for so many years by religious folk, that the negativity around the word frightened me away from it. And I had the completely mistaken impression that atheism was as much of a religion as Christianity. Why? Because that's what Christians claim: atheism is a religion established on the faith that there is no god. But this is 100% wrong for two reasons. Firstly, atheists are united solely by sharing the same non-belief in gods but otherwise can have very different opinions on the way that the rest of the the world works. Secondly, there is no faith involved in atheism. Atheists require scientific proof. It's nonsense to claim that it requires faith to not believe in something for which there is no proof.

If a god showed itself (ignoring the obvious questions of what a god would have to do to show itself), I would have no problem changing my stance on this issue. I don't hate god. I just don't think there is a god. Prove me wrong, god! Come on! Do it! What are you scared of?

When I was seeking alternatives to atheism, I settled on anti-religion for many years. Anti-religion is far more arrogant than atheism, but I wasn't concerned about arrogance. I was against religion, and I wanted people to know that.

As I grew older and graduated from university, I pulled back from the anti-religion and settled on being non-religious (or irreligious). This is a grey area that can encompass many different spiritual beliefs. All you are saying is that you are not into the rituals of religion. You can believe in a god and still be non-religious. And this is why I eventually had to acknowledge that I was in fact an atheist. I don't believe there is a god. Why not accept that I am not only non-religious but also an atheist?

There was a very brief period where I considered myself to be agnostic. Agnostics take the position of unknowing on the issue of god. They are basically weak atheists. They don't believe in god, but aren't prepared to come out and say that.

One of the formative classes for my atheism was Philosophy 110 in university. Arguing the existence of god was a significant percentage of the course material. It became clear that most theists were actually arguing about the existence of a prime mover, some significant force that set the universe in motion, but there was no reasonable argument for the all-knowing, benevolent Christian god. That god can not exist. It is absurd. But maybe there was some force out in the universe that set this world in motion.

I am not a scientist. I can not begin to understand the complexities of the Big Bang. Does the beginning of the universe require a prime mover? Where did the prime mover come from? Where did time and space come from?

I can't answer that. Science can't fully answer that--yet!--although there is a lot of compelling evidence in astronomy and physics that is fascinating and way beyond my ability to comprehend fully. And science continues looking. Religion stopped looking thousands of years ago. This is why science should trump religion always. But I digress.

And so, with some feelings of uncertainty about the beginning of time, I decided that maybe I was agnostic. Which was just me being silly, really. I don't mean to offend agnostics, but come on!--you know you are really atheists at heart. When religion argues for god, they are not arguing for the beginning of time; they are arguing for a god that affects us here and now. Even agnostics can admit that that is bullshit.

When did I stop fence sitting and admit to myself that I was an atheist, and that atheism is not a religion nor a bad word? Only about five years ago.

After I graduated university, I started online dating. I don't want to get into a long rant on online dating, but the relevant information here is that most of the women that were looking for men online were Christian. This isn't really surprising, since most people in this country are Christian.

So, I had to phrase my profile carefully to avoid scaring off the Christian women, because if I did that, I would not be meeting very many people, thus defeating the whole purpose. I settled on describing myself as the vague non-religious. And then I wrote that I had "Christian morals."

As I wrote in point 3 of The World As I See It, morals existed long before Christianity, but many people today honestly believe that without the reward / punishment aspect of Christianity, no one would be moral. Which is patently ridiculous. But I was trying to meet women here, so I had to go with the flow and pretend that my morality is the Christian morality, even though it's really just the morality of a good person. I had to phrase it so the Christian women reading my profile would understand that I was a moral person despite not being Christian myself.

Even with these compromises in my profile, online dating was extremely unsuccessful for me for three years. I didn't move beyond e-mail with most of the women, and the few that I met in person were good people but not serious candidates for a relationship. The non-religious thing became an issue with one, who made it her mission for over a year to try to convert me. Her mission failed, obviously, but my will to continue trying to meet people that way was also failing.

And then I met my wife-to-be that way. And she was also an atheist. And it was a release. I didn't have to hide anymore. I could be an atheist, without worrying about how that was going to impact my relationship. I have never been happier with my atheist world view.

In the last five years, this feeling of freedom has led me to really explore atheism. Blogs like Pharyngula remind me that there are many like-minded people out there, even if I don't know many of them personally (excluding my ex-wife and a growing number of friends). Shows like Penn & Teller: Bullshit! exposed me to more of the skeptical community, helping me find James Randi and Richard Dawkins, two men that I greatly respect.

And so I am in a good place now. I am comfortable with being an atheist. I am open about it, without being arrogant about it.

I was selected for jury duty in late 2005. I can't discuss the case, but I can discuss what happened on the day of selection. For those that don't know, even in this day and age of diversity and multiple religions, when you are approved by both the prosecutor and defender to be on the jury, you then have to swear on the bible. When I was approved, I was really shocked--all of the young people that had been picked before me were rejected... and then the bible was brought forward. I'm surprised that my head was clear enough to realize what was happening, but I managed to croak out, "I won't swear on a bible." I didn't know what the alternative was, but it turned out to be pretty reasonable: raise your hand, instead of laying it on the bible. And the last part of the swearing, something with god somewhere in there, was just left unsaid for me.

I was the only member of the jury to choose not to swear on the bible. But after I turned the bible down, they actually asked each person if he or she would swear on the bible before it was brought forth. Obviously, my refusal was a rarity.

In the jury room, at the end of the deliberations, three weeks later, I was asked why I didn't swear on the bible. I replied, "I don't believe in that stuff." Pretty weak answer, I know. If I could go back, I would have said, "I'm an atheist." Why didn't I then? Because I still struggle with using the word "atheist" when talking to Christians.

Many Christians still have a terrible perception of atheism. It's a threatening idea to them, that someone could not believe in the being that gives them meaning. So they demonize us. They write ridiculous rants about atheism that are gobbled up eagerly by their followers. It is much easier to believe that atheists are immoral agents of the devil than reasonable human beings with a self-enforced morality based on simple principles of evolution and survival.

But atheism is picking up steam. It's becoming higher profile. More and more people are openly admitting that they see the world differently than the majority. At the same time, the fundamentalist movements are becoming louder and more frightening. Interesting times are surely ahead.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, most of the text you just read was written in 2006. I updated some references to time, combined two posts into one, and revised some sections for clarity, but that's pretty much it for editing. I left the content in its somewhat chaotically organized form, because it feels natural and heartfelt that way. This is not an essay.

Rereading this, I can't help but think, "Oh, shit, here I go again!" Because, once again, I am entering the world of online dating. My approach this time is not going to be so wishy-washy--there will be no mention of "Christian morals." I don't want to date someone that is strongly religious, and I will make that clear in my profile. Although I may go on dates with moderately religious women, just for something to do, at this point in my life I will not even consider a serious relationship with someone that isn't at least non-religious. Maybe I am severely limiting my options, but I honestly have less respect for religious people, and that is not healthy in a relationship.

And, so, that was an overly long post about how I came to call myself an atheist. Next up in the About Me series: Homebrewer (I think).

About Me - Blog Series Introduction

Those of you actually visiting my blog on Blogger and not just reading it through Google Reader (5 subscribers so far!) or some other feed reader may have noticed that my About Me entry consists of 13 short sentence fragments, many of which are only one descriptive word, sorted alphabetically. In general terms, these 13 statements are the societal labels that I most identify with.

I created this About Me list when I first joined Facebook two years ago, and have rarely had to change it since, because these are for the most part defining statements about who I am and will probably always be. My "children" have changed over time, an "Ex" had to recently be added to "Husband," and "Homebrewer" was the most recent addition. Everything else is very static. I am very static.

My plan for the next month is to do a couple of posts every week about what each of these labels means to me. Some of these posts will be extremely long (hint: A, H, S). Some of these posts will feature the geekiest content on this blog yet and will include some embarrassing revelations (T, X). Some statements overlap or are largely redundant, so will be combined in posts (B & W, G & N). And a couple of the topics will make extremely uninteresting posts, so I'll keep those short (CS, EE).

Thanks in advance for reading all of them!

Edited to add links:
About Me - Atheist
About Me - Ex-husband and Father
About Me - Homebrewer
About Me - Singer-songwriter
About Me - Computer Scientist and Electrical Engineer
About Me - Geek and Nerd
About Me - Browncoat and Whedonite
About Me - Skeptic

Week in Review, Sept 17 to 23

It's almost been a full week since my last blog post, something I didn't want to ever let happen, but I have good excuses:

1. Over the weekend, I made a drunken fool of myself at Rowan's Ravine Provincial Park. We had beautiful weather for free September camping, an excellent spot, and tons and tons of booze. It was an excellent time with good friends that will hopefully become a September tradition of sorts.

2. Since Monday, I have been in a relatively busy training course instead of sitting in my office with nothing to do. The days have also been 10 hours long, and I had a lot of TV to catch up on when I finally got home...

But I'm mostly caught up on this week's TV now, and I thought it would be an interesting follow-up to my last post if I reviewed the past week's shows. Since the TV season started for me on Thursday, this review covers Thursday to Wednesday.

I like the concept of doing something like this every week, but expanding it to include new music and movies (and maybe books and video games) from the week as well. No promises. We'll see what happens.

Thursday, September 17th
Loved: The Office (6x1)
Hilarious: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (5x1)
Pleasant surprise: Parks and Recreation (2x1)
Full of WTF moments but still good: Fringe (2x1)
Fell asleep during: Community (1x1)

The Office got off to an excellent start to the season with "Gossip." There was a lot of uncomfortable humour, but not so much that I was cringing, and plenty of good character moments for the entire cast. Andy's confusion about his sexuality was the highlight for me. And I always like Office episodes more when you feel sympathetic to Michael's plight.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was in typical tasteless form with "The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis." The episode opens with some hilarious meta-humour about the show's episode titles, and it maintains that hilarity throughout. In the interest of not spoiling you, my reader(s), I will say no more.

Parks and Recreation was a very inconsistent show in its first season. Without the pedigree of The Office involved, I wouldn't have bothered to give them a second chance. But if "Pawnee Zoo" is any indication, they have stepped up their game. How can you not laugh at an episode about gay penguin marriage?

Fringe's new season is playing it coy with the cliffhanger from season one. "A New Day in the Old Town" does not quite begin where last season ended. Instead, we jump ahead a little bit, with the writers clearly planning to slowly dole out over the course of this season the secrets that Olivia presumably learned from William Bell. Damn them! The plot of this specific episode features a shape-shifting assassin and is not up to the level of the last few episodes of season one; plus it has a twist ending that most people will see coming from a mile away. We are also introduced to a new character that I assume will be around for the long haul but is so far pretty bland. Overall, although it sounds like I am pretty down on this episode, it's still above average Fringe, with Walter and Peter in good form.

Community's "Pilot" was good enough for me to keep tuning in. I didn't fall asleep because it was bad; I was very tired, and it wasn't quite good enough to keep me awake. I'm not sure how much of the show I missed while dozing off, but I was able to follow the minimal plot of the pilot, and I got a good feel for the characters. I should probably still rewatch the episode...

Saturday, September 19th
Low expectations met: Merlin (2x1)
Best new show that is already canceled: Defying Gravity (1x9)

I missed Merlin on my list of returning shows to watch because I only learned yesterday that it had also premiered this week. It would have fit somewhere between the "excited to a lesser extent" part of the list and the "watching but not really enjoying" list. The first episode of the second series, "The Curse of Cornelius Sigan," is exactly what anyone who has seen the first series would expect. Merlin is a consistently good but by no means great show, and this episode is good but by no means great. The Arthur and Merlin friendship is still the highlight of the series.

Defying Gravity's big mythology episode, "Eve Ate the Apple," only aired in Canada because ABC has already canceled the series. I am grateful that CTV has the decency to at least finish airing the 13 episode first season. I only recently caught up on this series, having not heard a damn thing about it when it premiered 10 weeks ago--gee, could the lack of marketing have something to do with its demise? It's a damn shame, too, because it's a great show with an excellent cast and an intriguing premise. With episode nine, the series finally explained WTF was going on with the ship and "Beta," and the explanation was actually surprisingly satisfying while leaving plenty of mystery for future episodes. I look forward to watching the final four episodes on CTV.

Sunday, September 20th
Best new show so far: Bored to Death (1x1)
Good, but Larry David can do better: Curb Your Enthusiasm (7x1)
Meh: Entourage (6x10)

Bored to Death's "Stockholm Syndrome" was a pleasant surprise for me. The critical reaction to this pilot episode has been mixed to negative in my impression, but I really enjoyed it and will definitely continue watching the show develop. Maybe it's just because of Jason Schwartzman, but I get a Wes Anderson feel from this show so far (minus Anderson's uncanny music selections). Ted Danson and Zach Galifianakis are also hilarious in their supporting roles.

Curb Your Enthusiasm's season opener, "Funkhouser's Crazy Sister," is by no means a bad episode. But it's more awkward and uncomfortable than funny--the best episodes are better balanced. Interestingly, unlike most seasons of Curb where the previous season's big events go completely unmentioned, season seven continues the Blacks storyline from season six. The Seinfeld reunion is only hinted at here; stay tuned for episode three.

The highlight of Entourage's "Berried Alive" is obviously the development of Lloyd's storyline. No surprise there, seeing as Lloyd and Ari are the only characters that have done anything interesting in this entire sixth season. Eric's storyline continues to be a waste of time, I still don't buy Vince as a movie star, and Turtle's relationship troubles belong on a different show entirely. To be fair, I'm not a big fan of the show; I keep watching because of the Hollywood cameos and, of course, Ari Gold.

Monday, September 21st
Loved: The Big Bang Theory (3x1)
Thoroughly mediocre: Heroes (4x1/4x2)
Haven't watched yet, but I hear it's great: House (6x1)

The Big Bang Theory's "The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation" is a terrific season opener. The cast is as lovable and hilarious as ever. And there are finally some big developments in the Penny and Leonard relationship.

Heroes is still pretty terrible this season. I wish I could stop watching, but there's always this tiny bit of potential to keep me coming back. Neither "Orientation" nor "Jump, Push, Fall" have much of anything worth mentioning, other than their complete mediocrity. I have a hard time picking which hero is saddled with the lamest storyline: Hiro's kitten rescue; Claire's annoying roommate and creepy friend; Matt's Sylar visions? Only Noah and Peter are given something to do. The new villains may possibly bring something interesting to the series, but so far I'm unimpressed.

I did say I was "mostly caught up" on this past week's TV. The one exception is House's "Broken" episode. I hear it's pretty damn good though! I guess I'll review it in next week's Week in Review.

Wednesday, September 23rd
Funny with potential for hilarity: Modern Family

I wasn't planning to watch Modern Family's "Pilot" until I read some very positive reviews on Wednesday morning. It mostly lived up to the reviews. I don't know if the premise can sustain a series, but I'll keep watching as long as it makes me laugh like it did last night.

So, that was how I saw the past week of TV. Tonight the cycle starts all over again, with even more shows added to the mix (The Mentalist and Flash Forward tonight, Dollhouse tomorrow, Dexter and the FOX cartoons on Sunday). Yay!

The Fall TV Season is Upon Us... already?

With the arrival of mid-September comes the beginning of the new fall TV season. But I was still surprised to see a new Office, Parks and Recreation, and Fringe on the schedule for this evening. This summer must have gotten away from me, because it doesn't feel like it's been that long since most of these shows had their previous season finales.

Despite the fact that I love watching TV shows--I prefer serialized TV to movies on most days--there's something sad about the arrival of TV season. I don't like to admit that I'm a slave to the TV schedule, but I pretty much am. The freedom of summer is over, and now I will be tuning in to at least one show pretty much every night until the fall hiatus in December.

But that sadness is obviously tempered by excitement for new episodes of my favourite series. If I had any patience, I would watch my TV by waiting for the DVDs, but I have to watch the new shows now, now, now!

Of the returning shows this fall, I am most excited by Dexter, Dollhouse, The Office, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Big Bang Theory, South Park, Legend of the Seeker, and to a lesser extent, Fringe and House. (I must note that two of the best returning shows, Lost and Chuck, will not be on the air until 2010.)

Dexter is a reliably excellent show, although I don't think they will ever top the stellar first season. Dollhouse is a surprise renewal, seeing as its ratings were garbage; not the best Joss Whedon, but still damn good and getting better with every episode. The Office is well past its peak (season two), but is still consistently funny. 30 Rock is enjoyable wackiness. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a new discovery for me, and I can't wait to see what crazy shit the guys get up to next. Curb Your Enthusiasm promises a Seinfeld reunion this season--plus it's Larry David! The Big Bang Theory features some of the best geek characters on TV, and is therefore near and dear to my heart, although I hate the laugh track. South Park manages to stay surprisingly relevant and hilarious even in its 13th season. Legend of the Seeker is, in theory, an adaptation of one of my favourite book series (The Sword of Truth), but they are taking major liberties with the source material, to say the least; but it's still pretty good, so I'll continue on that ride as long as it lasts. Fringe had an interesting but inconsistent first season, just barely good enough to lure me back for season two. House is in a mental hospital!--might be good?

I will also be watching but probably not really enjoying Heroes, Parks and Recreation, The Mentalist, Family Guy, American Dad, and The Simpsons. Heroes needs to end soon; the first season was the only good season, but I can't stop watching for some reason. Parks and Recreation has some funny moments, but also some awful moments; I'll give them a few more episodes to find their footing. The Mentalist is interesting only because of the lead character's skeptic background; the mysteries are pedestrian and predictable. Family Guy hasn't really been good since it came back on the air. American Dad is better than Family Guy, but still not great. The Simpsons just needs to fucking die already.

And then there's the reality programs: So You Think You Can Dance, So You Think You Can Dance Canada, and The Amazing Race. No comment.

Of this season's new shows, I am only interested (so far) in Community, Flash Forward, V, and Stargate Universe. Can't say much about these yet, as I haven't seen them.

Goddamn, that's a shitload of TV to watch...

The World As I See It

After a couple of days of fun, light-hearted blog posts, it's time to get back to serious content. This world is full of crazy people with even crazier ideas and beliefs, and a skeptic has to stand apart from that and try to apply critical thinking and rationality to those ideas and beliefs.

So this is what I believe.

1. There is probably no god.

I don’t need proof of this. There is no proof otherwise, and that is all that matters. I don't need proof that there is no such thing as the Greek Pantheon (even though that would be fucking sweet!) and the Christian god is just as (un)likely to exist. Atheism is not a religion. It is not faith. It is rationality.

2. Evolution is fact.

Evolution is a widely supported scientific theory. "Theory" in scientific circles does not mean the same thing as "guess." It's as good as fact, even though we are still learning how all of the pieces fit together. But that's the key to science--always developing.

3. Morality is not a religious construct.

Why do I do good? No, it's not because I'm frightened of god's retribution and an eternity in hell. It's because of empathy and enlightened self-interest. I "do unto others..." Contrary to what many Christians believe, morality existed long before the bible brought us the ten commandments, and it will exist long after the Christian faith has faded into history.

4. Fundamentalist Christians need a good knock upside the head.

The bible is not the true word of a god. The earth is much, much older than 6,000 years. Humans were not created in the image of a god. I could go on and on. I generally have nothing against moderate Christians (ie. 90% of Christians), but Fundamentalist Christians are a loud bunch, and seemingly getting louder...

5. Politics and religion must not mix.

The Conservative Party in Canada and the Republicans in the United States both have an obvious religious agenda, and owe a lot of their success to the religious right. Whether the debate was about stem cell research, abortion, or gay marriage, religion--specifically the Christian religion--has played a huge role in decision making in the last ten years. Thankfully, the Republicans aren't in power anymore and the Conservatives have never had any power. But we must stay vigilant.

Other than keeping vigilant on religion's influence in politics, I'm not really interested in the political system, and I am also not qualified to discuss it in any detail. Most people don't let ignorance stop them from talking politics, but I'm not most people. I'm just going to say that we have some pretty good social programs here in Canada, and I don't personally feel unfairly taxed. And I almost always vote Liberal, usually because of the general philosophies of the party and not any specific platform.

6. Life does not begin at conception.

I am pro-choice. If a woman wants to have an abortion, I support that right. It's her body. And there is a big difference between a fetus and a baby.

7. Heterosexual marriage... gay marriage... it's all the same.

Everyone in Canada has the right to get married, which is great. Unfortunately, this is not true everywhere in the United States (not to mention the rest of the world). It is ridiculous to me that in this supposedly enlightened time gays and lesbians still have to fight for basic legal rights. Some religious groups have a misguided "traditional definition of marriage" and are fixated on some imaginary "traditional family." Sorry, guys, you can't have the word "marriage" back as yours alone.

8. Psychics are either lying scumbags or self-deluded morons.

James Randi has been seeking proof of supernatural ability for longer than I have been alive, and--surprise, surprise!--there is none. But that isn't stopping so-called psychics from raking in the cash, because most people have been raised to be gullible sheep in one area (religion) and are highly susceptible to the charms of supernatural shysters.

9. If "Alternative Medicine" worked, it would be just "medicine."

Alternative medicine is a huge scam. If you could make millions with an untested product just by using scientific sounding words in non-scientific ways, appealing to people's frustration with impersonal care by the under-funded and under-staffed medical industry, relying on questionable anecdotal evidence, confirmation bias, and the all-important placebo effect... but no, that's not what they are doing! Because obviously a school teacher knows more about colds than a doctor, right? And rubbing a stick of wax on your forehead will surely cure that headache, right? Yeah.

And don't even get me fucking started on homeopathy! Except to mock.

10. No intelligent person was ever abducted by an alien.

There may be other intelligent life out there somewhere in the universe. But we have seen no evidence of that life here on Earth to date. If aliens have visited Earth, they did so secretly, "Prime Directive" style. Yes, people spot UFOs all the time, but UFO does not mean alien space craft. And people that believe that they have had personal alien abduction experiences simply have serious mental problems.

And that's what I believe.

Soundtrack to My Movie, Disc 2

If you haven't done so yet, you really need to start with Soundtrack to My Movie, Disc 1.

16. "Lightning Crashes" (1994) by Live

"Throwing Copper" is potentially the best album from 1994. It is certainly my favourite, and picking only one song for this list was ridiculous. I chose "Lightning Crashes" because it was Live's breakthrough song for me and many other people. And it's awesome.

17. "Nutshell" (1994) by Alice in Chains

Alice in Chains' acoustic EP "Jar of Flies" took me by complete surprise, thanks in no small part to brilliant songs like "Nutshell" and my all-time favourite instrumental song, "Whale & Wasp." Suddenly, I was a fan. And after listening to "Dirt," I wondered how I missed it the first time around. I vividly remember telling my French teacher that Jerry Cantrell was my favourite guitarist (in French of course).

18. "The Nude" (1993) by Catherine Wheel

It took the release of "Happy Days" and the single "Waydown" to alert me to the existence of Catherine Wheel. I was immediately intrigued and quickly tracked down their earlier stuff, and am I ever glad I did. "Chrome" is a masterpiece, and "The Nude" is possibly the best song ever about art appreciation.

19. "Fake Plastic Trees" (1995) by Radiohead

I don't care what anyone says; "OK Computer" is not the best Radiohead album. "The Bends" is better in almost all ways, most notably consistency, and features the genius of "Fake Plastic Trees."

20. "You Are All I Have" (1996) by Hayden

When I think of my first years in university, I inevitably think of Hayden. The first time I heard Hayden, he was playing a live show in the corner of a cafeteria on campus. I sat only a few feet away and was amazed at the emotion and honesty in his songs. I could only dream of creating songs with that much heart. "Everything I Long For" was easily my most listened to CD in 1995, and when "Moving Careful" came out, I put it on endless repeat as well. After "Estranged" and "Without You," "You Are All I Have" is easily the most lyrically relevant song on this list. Goddamn!

21. "Without You" (1998) by Ty Tabor

Ty Tabor is the guitarist from King's X, and he has had a strong solo career on the side. Without a doubt, he has been the biggest inspiration on my own music, despite the fact that my music doesn't come out anything like his in the end. My bad. "Without You" has always been my favourite Ty Tabor solo song, and now, like "Estranged," it's even better given my personal experience with the lyrical content.

22. "Finally Free" (1999) by Dream Theater

Progressive rockers Dream Theater established a new standard for theme albums with "Scenes From a Memory" (surpassing Queensryche's "Operation: Mindcrime"). It's pretty dumb to pick one best song from an album that tells a single story, but if you have to, you have to go with the big finale. "Scenes From a Memory" is my favourite long drive album.

23. "For Me This is Heaven" (1999) by Jimmy Eat World

One day at work, I stumbled upon a former co-worker's burned copy of "Bleed American." My only exposure to Jimmy Eat World up to that point had been "The Middle," a good pop-rock song, but nothing to get excited about. But I thought, what the heck, I can listen to the whole album--and holy shit! I can't remember a time I was so surprised by the quality of an album. Songs like "Hear You Me" and "My Sundown" blew me away, and I of course had to immediately check out the rest of Jimmy Eat World's discography. "Clarity" blew me away even more than "Bleed American" had. It's amusing to remember that I didn't originally think much of "For Me This is Heaven," but this song is a slow grower. Not only is it my favourite Jimmy Eat World song now, it's also my text message ring tone. Oh, and Jimmy Eat World is quite possibly my favourite band, so thanks a lot former co-worker!

24. "The Sharp Hint of New Tears" (2000) by Dashboard Confessional

I think it was when my brother Blaine recommended that I check out Dashboard Confessional that I first realized how similar our tastes in music were. "The Swiss Army Romance" is still the best DC album, and it was encouraging for someone trying to do the very same to hear an album that was only acoustic guitar and vocals. I don't think I'll ever write or record a song as good as any on that album, but it's still inspirational.

25. "Yours if You Like" (2001) by Oleander

For whatever reason (complementary vocal styles is my guess), Oleander is my favourite band to sing-along to in my car at full volume, and "Yours if You Like" is my favourite song choice. They aren't even that great of a band overall, but I have spent many long car trips rocking out with my Oleander mix CD.

26. "Trains" (2002) by Porcupine Tree

Porcupine Tree is a band that can not be done justice by CD. I own all of their best albums on DVD-Audio, and that is how I listen to them most often: 5.1 surround with a huge sound field, and details you can never hear on the CDs. The album "In Absentia" introduced me to Porcupine Tree, and still stands apart as their best overall work. "Trains" is possibly the most accessible song on the album, and it played a big role in making me a huge fan of the band.

27. "Amazed" (1999) by Lonestar

It's funny that I am including a song in this list that I actually don't want to listen to, but I can't deny that this song is on the soundtrack for my movie. You either know why, or you don't. It's not important to discuss why.

28. "Don't Slow Down" (2005) by Copeland

I discovered Copeland with their album "In Motion," and it was "Don't Slow Down" that first made me sit up and pay closer attention. I am now a huge Copeland fan and love all of their albums. In fact, if any band embodies the summer of 2009 for me, it is Copeland, as the complete collection played on random through my outdoor speaker almost every day I sat outside and read during my summer vacation.

29. "(*Fin)" (2007) by Anberlin

Anberlin is another of my current favourite bands, despite their undisguised Christianity, which says a lot for the quality of their songs. Their 2007 masterpiece "Cities" ended with this incredible and appropriated titled song. This song often still gives me chills when I listen to it.

30. "Falling Slowly" (2006) by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

The only Academy Award winning song on this list, I could listen to "Falling Slowly" on repeat for hours and never get tired of it. Beautiful, haunting, brilliant. Well deserved win! If you haven't seen Once yet, you really should.

And that's the end of disc 2. Disc 2 obviously contains more favourite songs and less guilty pleasures, but it's the whole package that counts.

And, in the grand tradition of internet lists, I can't forget to cop out with some honorable mentions, songs that would possibly have made the list, had I made it a 3CD set:

"The Voice" (1981) by The Moody Blues
"Where is My Mind?" (1988) by Pixies
"Dyslexic Heart" (1992) by Paul Westerberg
"I Do What I Do" (1993) by The Galactic Cowboys
"All Apologies" (1993) by Nirvana
"The River" (1993) by The Tea Party
"The World I Know" (1994) by Collective Soul
"Gipped" (1994) by hHead
"Claire" (1994) by Rheostatics
"Zero Chance" (1996) by Soundgarden
"Guitar and Video Games" (1998) by Sunny Day Real Estate
"Brighter Hell" (1998) by The Watchmen
"Stellar" (1999) by Incubus
"Emotion Sickness" (1999) by Silverchair
"If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?" (2000) by The Juliana Theory
"Gravity Rides Everything" (2000) by Modest Mouse
"Almost Crimes" (2002) by Broken Social Scene
"When Morning Comes" (2002) by Dishwalla
"Good to Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have to Do Is Die" (2003) by Brand New

And last, but certainly not least, a major inspiration for this list:
"Soundtrack for Our Movie" (2003) by Mae

Soundtrack to My Movie, Disc 1

Music has always been important to me. I play guitar and write songs myself, I listen to music almost constantly, and I love music-based video games. Music is often unfairly relegated to the background, but lately it's come back to the forefront.

As I was sitting and listening to music on Sunday, I started thinking about songs and bands that have deeply affected me throughout my life. And I started to create this list, the soundtrack to my life. This is a list of songs that have defined my musical tastes, inspired me, depressed me, saved me, or were simply playing at critical moments of my life and can never be forgotten. Most are awesome, some are guilty pleasures--all are a part of who I am.

To keep the list as short as possible, I limited myself to only one song from any given band. That was hard. But the resulting list would make a hell of a 2-CD mix collection. The songs are presented in chronological order of approximately when they came into my life, not necessarily in order of release.

1. "A Day in the Life" (1967) by The Beatles

Growing up the son of a big Beatles fan sort of ruined them for me for many years. There's nothing worse than the music that your parents listen to, right? I reintroduced myself to The Beatles after university, and, well, what more needs to be said about The Beatles? I picked "A Day in the Life" because it is awesome. Picking one Beatles song wasn't as hard a choice as I thought it would be. (The chronological thing could be argued for this song, as I probably only really became aware of "A Day in the Life"'s awesomeness in 2001 or so, but I'm sure I heard it multiple times as a kid and just didn't appreciate it.)

2. "Beat It" (1982) by Michael Jackson

I considered putting Weird Al Yankovic's "Eat It" on the list, to try to disguise the Michael Jackson thing, but this is supposed to be an honest list--so, yeah, I fucking loved Michael Jackson as a kid. "Thriller" was the first album I listened to from start to finish over and over, loving every song.

3. "Wanted Dead or Alive" (1986) by Bon Jovi

When I learned two years back that this song was included in Rock Band, I felt the old Bon Jovi fanboy in me coming back to life. I love it! There is no question that Bon Jovi was my first favourite band. "Slippery When Wet" and "New Jersey" weren't just albums--they were my best friends. I'm surprised I didn't wear through those poor cassette tapes with my Walkman.

4. "Time Has Come" (1986) by Europe

"The Final Countdown" was too obvious a choice. Europe's greatest album, which recently was also the awesome soundtrack to Hot Rod, was definitely another album that barely left my Walkman. I'm sure it was only ejected to pop in Bon Jovi, because, hey, Bon Jovi > Europe.

5. "Ride the Wind" (1990) by Poison

Poison was another hair metal favourite from my elementary school days, but their album "Flesh & Blood" has the strongest affect on me. It brings me back to my endless days of reading/playing "Fighting Fantasy" books, and specifically the incredible "Creature of Havoc." "Ride the Wind" is pure, exhilarating nostalgia.

6. "Tonight" (1990) by New Kids on the Block

Oh, what's this? No, that can't be right! How could I admit this? My biggest guilty pleasure of all guilty pleasures... sigh. Just like how as a kid you can't like the music your parents like, you also can't like the music your little brothers like, and one of my little brothers loved NKOTB. Now, by no means am I admitting to liking anything else by the New Kids--just "Tonight," because it's pretty sweet!

7. "More Than Words" (1991) by Extreme

This super-cheesy radio and wedding-friendly acoustic ballad was the beginning of my unexpected transition from hair metal fan to slightly more cerebral hard rock fan. I didn't know what I was getting when I purchased Extreme's Pornograffitti--my first ever CD!--but it was a lot more than just "More Than Words."

8. "Silent Lucidity" (1990) by Queensryche

What can I say about "Silent Lucidity" to do it justice? Still possibly my favourite song of all time, it introduced me to the greatness that is Queensryche and exposed me to the concept of orchestration enhancing my rock music. It's a brilliant song that has been a big part of many of the best moments of my life. It also wakes me up every single morning.

9. "Estranged" (1991) by Guns N' Roses

Holy shit, this song is intense for me now! It has always been my favourite GnR song (and video) because it's freakin' epic--and I love epic songs!-- and it has some of the sweetest guitar solos ever recorded. Now it may also be the most lyrically relevant song on this list, which is kinda exhilarating while also being depressing.

10. "Rearviewmirror" (1993) by Pearl Jam

Pearl Jam marks the start of a different era in this list and my life. 1993 to 1995--some of the most incredible music of all time was released during my last few years of high school. Maybe it's the fact that I was in high school at the time that makes me think that? Who knows? But Pearl Jam's "Ten" and "Vs" are albums that will never grow old.

11. "Disarm" (1993) by Smashing Pumpkins

Smashing Pumpkins blew my mind with their double album "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" two years later, but I still prefer "Siamese Dream"'s consistency and ridiculously awesome songs. "Disarm," especially, takes me back to high school every time.

12. "The Pass" (1989) by Rush

I figured it was time I had some Can-con on this list. I have to admit that I never paid much attention to Rush as a kid--the lead singer has a girly, high-pitched voice! But with the release of "Counterparts" in 1993, Rush finally had a couple singles that interested me. And the whole album was good! And I started digging deeper into their back catalog. And, holy shit, Rush was awesome! Picking one Rush song was easily the most challenging task of compiling this list. But after much soul-searching, I had to go with "Presto"'s highlight, "The Pass."

13. "In the Garage" (1994) by Weezer

When this song came up in a friend's wedding reception mix, I barely stifled a "Yes!" (when it came up three more times, I wondered what kind of shitty algorithm iPods use for random). This is the quintessential high school geek rock song. So good.

14. "Naveed" (1994) by Our Lady Peace

More Can-con! You just can't do better than Our Lady Peace for Canadian rock, and their debut album was a high school favourite for my friends and I.

15. "Goldilox" (1988) by King's X

I discovered King's X with the release of their excellent 1994 album "Dogman." I immediately got to work tracking down their other albums, which was a challenge in those pre-internet days. "Goldilox" is actually from their debut album, and the first time I heard it, it blew me away. It still kind of blows me away. It is not King's X's best song, by any means, but it has emotional power that is hard to beat.

So, that's disc 1 of my soundtrack. The list of songs on disc 2 will follow shortly, probably tomorrow-ish. As a spoiler, disc 2 includes such diverse bands as Live, Alice in Chains, Jimmy Eat World, and Lonestar (really!).

Edited to Add:
Disc 2 is now posted. Enjoy!

Getting Rich Slowly... very slowly

Tip of the hat to Get Rich Slowly, a good financial tips blog that is now boring to me, but is still useful to those that haven't yet taken the steps I'm about to discuss.

If there is one useful skill I learned in my first full time job, it is the creation of elaborate Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. This is a skill that doesn't come in handy too often, but when it's time for me to do some budgeting and financial planning, oh boy is it time for me to shine!

I started my budget spreadsheet in 2000 as a basic tracking tool for my earnings, utility usage, and my brand new car loan. In 2003, I got my first mortgage, so I threw the calculations in there to see how much principal and interest I was paying. The spreadsheet was an easy to use tool for tracking interesting financial transactions I was making.

Between 2002 and 2005, I spent way too much money on stuff. Collectibles, DVDs, CDs; I was a financially stable single guy (in 2002), so I bought whatever I wanted. If I had had then the budget spreadsheet I have now, I would have realized pretty quickly that my spending had exceeded my earnings, the first mistake in financial planning.

I staved off credit card debt disaster for most of those years by taking advantage of low interest balance transfers. I would juggle balances from one card to the next, always keeping my interest rates low. At some point I started tracking these balance transfers in the spreadsheet as well. But I still didn't catch the fact that the balances were growing faster than I was going to be able to handle.

It took until 2005 for it all to catch up with me. Suddenly, I found myself carrying balances on my high interest rate credit cards, making minimum payments each month. This was pretty distressing, as it should be, so I knew it was time to start taking advantage of those finely tuned spreadsheet skills to do more than just track data. I needed a plan.

The first step of the plan was to actually start actively tracking all of my expenses. Sure, the credit card statements each month do that for you, in a way, but there is nothing like tracking your spending yourself throughout a month to wake you up to what you are doing. When you realize you have spent over $500 on groceries in the first half of a month, you start thinking about what you are buying when next at the grocery store. The budget spreadsheet was the obvious place to keep all this information.

The second step was to take that expense tracking and develop a reasonable monthly spending budget, which had to allow for some debt payment above minimum payments. My original spending categories, which have evolved over time, were groceries, entertainment, fuel, my wants, pets, art expenses, eating out, the wife's wants, and incidentals (to cover things that just didn't fit anywhere else). Then, knowing how much extra debt pay-down I was going to do each month, I could develop a cascading debt payment plan.

A cascading debt payment plan is pretty straightforward in concept. Start by putting any extra money towards your highest interest debt; when that debt is paid off, take all that extra money, which now includes the minimum payments from the first debt, and put it towards the second highest interest debt; continue until not in debt. Now, try to make a flexible, useful spreadsheet out of that concept. It took me a while to add that feature.

With the spreadsheet in place, I started taking control of my finances and turning things around. It took three years of responsible, frugal spending to eliminate credit card debt from my spreadsheet. With less credit card debt came a better credit rating, and in late 2008 I was able to get an excellent interest rate on a secured line of credit, where all my debt is now carried (I must note that I do not consider my mortgage to be a debt). And it's not nearly as much debt as it used to be, although some recent unexpected life changes--complete with new expenses!--have pushed back my "no more debt" date by a full year to 2012.

The spreadsheet itself has never stopped growing and evolving. It now also tracks and predicts my income taxes, RRSP / pension earnings, savings (ha!), reward points, Total and Gross Debt Service Ratios, and many other silly things not worth mentioning. It's basically ridiculous! But I love it, and a day rarely goes by that I don't open it up and update it.

So, in summary, here are my top tips for financial stability (common sense FTW!):

1. Do not spend more money than you earn.

2. Track your spending to be sure.

3. Pay off your highest interest debts first.

And, I also have a couple more controversial tips, based on personal preference:

1. Don't bother with non-registered savings until you are out of debt, unless you can actually consistently get a better interest rate on the investment than you are paying on your debts. If you have a credit line, the unused portion is basically savings of a sort...

2. Do all of your spending on a credit card with a rewards program. You might as well get something bonus back for spending all that damn money each month. This obviously requires more spending discipline than sticking to cash/Interac for purchases.

Okay. Good post. I think it might be time for me to update my budget spreadsheet again...

Shaping Up

I just completed Week 5, Day 2 of the 200 Situps challenge and thought, hey, there's a blog post in there somewhere. So here it is!

With new found singleness comes a renewed feeling of pressure to shape up. It's not like I let myself go when I got married, but I definitely didn't feel the pressure to always look my best at all times, which I happen to think is a good thing, but that's maybe just me. I didn't get fat by any means, maybe just a little overweight, and maybe a little chunky in the stomach area. I primarily want more muscle definition in my arms and chest, and reduced love handle mass.

Anyone that knows my ex-wife knows that she lost a lot of weight in the past couple of years. So I was feeling some pressure to shape up long before now. With the release of Wii Fit last summer, I started my first workout program in years. Since that time, I have been very diligent about tracking my weight every day with the Balance Board. I was doing pretty good, too, losing 10 pounds in the first six months with a combination of light weight-training and cardio. And then April of this year came around, 5 extra pounds appeared in the stomach area, and I'm not even sure what happened, but the Wii Fit graph doesn't lie.

So this summer I realized I needed another program. I think most people would agree that it's tough to motivate yourself to workout without a program to follow and a goal to attain. I decided at the beginning of June that I was going to try the six week, 100 Pushups challenge.

I have never been able to do many pushups. But at the same time, I had never pushed myself to do more pushups, so this was going to be an interesting experiment. For my first exhaustion test I managed a pathetic 15 pushups in a row. It was going to be a hard six weeks!

Looking back, it is quite amusing that I actually thought I could follow that program for a measly six weeks and then maybe be able to do 100 pushups. The first two weeks went well, and I managed 23 pushups in my second exhaustion test. Week 3 went okay, but the workouts were certainly getting tougher quick. And then I hit the wall on Week 4, Day 1.

I tried repeating Week 3 to build up to Week 4 again, but the wall was still waiting for me on Monday morning. Next I decided to repeat Week 4, Day 1 until I could complete it comfortably, which consumed nearly all of July. I may have moved onto Day 2 at some point, but unexpected life circumstances turned August into a complete workout-free write-off month...

I finally decided to give the challenge another go this week, and after a month of inactivity, I had little choice but to go back and start with Week 3 again. So far it's going okay, and I look forward to smashing through that Week 4 wall on Monday.

I am now able to do 30 consecutive pushups in exhaustion tests. If I look at that as a 100% increase from what I started at, maybe it isn't too bad. But it's still a long way from 100. But I also haven't given up. I would definitely be happy with 50, which I think is an attainable goal.

But wait, didn't this post start with me talking about 200 situps? Yes, yes, it did. Thanks for paying attention.

With the pushup challenge going so well at the end of Week 2, I decided I needed something to do on the rest days, and the complementary situp challenge seemed like a great idea. My initial exhaustion test of 41 was good enough for me to skip ahead to start with Week 3. So, the plan worked perfectly; I was working on Week 3 of the pushup and situp challenges at the same time.

But I never hit a wall with the situp challenge. Week 4 was cake. I easily hit 100 on my second situp exhaustion test. Week 5 wasn't much harder. Week 6 brought the hurt, but I was managing. I completed Week 6, Day 2 pretty comfortably. But then life interrupted and August was wasted.

I restarted Week 5 of the situp challenge this week. Day 1 started rough, with a whole month of no situps at all to overcome, but today's workout felt very good. I don't think I will have a tough time at all managing 200 consecutive situps in a week and a half. Maybe there is a wall there that I just haven't found yet, but I don't think so. Maybe this is a common experience for people, I don't know, but it's interesting how much easier the situp challenge has been for me than the pushup challenge.

So, what's the point of this blog post? There isn't one. Does there have to be? This year was also at one time going to be the year of me running a half-marathon, but that dream died pretty early. There might be another blog post in there somewhere...

“You’ll sit alone forever / If you wait for the right time…”

“…What are you hoping for? / I’m here I'm now I’m ready / Holding on tight / Don’t give away the end / The one thing that stays mine” – Jimmy Eat World, “23”

Jimmy Eat World's "23" is one of my all-time favourite songs, and it seems more poignant than ever to me now. The song as a whole is not really about what I am personally going through, but the lyrics, especially the chorus as quoted above, still hit me where it hurts.

As this is my first blog post (on this blog, anyway), I should do a little introduction. My name is Scott, I'm a 32-year-old professional engineer from Regina, SK, Canada, and my rather excellent life was recently thrown into turmoil when my wife of four years decided to leave me and move to Calgary, AB. It's amazing how quickly you can go from completely content with life to disconnected and depressed. This is not a blog to discuss the reasons that my ex-wife decided to move on with her life without me, but rather a blog about how I am trying to move on and start over without her. And it will probably also be a blog about what I am watching, listening to, reading, playing, eating, drinking, etc.

The last five years were the best five years of my life. Not only did I meet someone special for the first time and experience five wonderful / comfortable (terrible word, according to the ex) years cohabitating together, I met most of my current best friends. I take whatever small comfort I can in the fact that I still have these friends at least. And my ex-wife is also still a good friend, albeit a long-distance friend, which is a situation that confounds some people. I also have a nice house, a well-paying job, and a supportive family (as well as a surprisingly supportive ex-family-in-law).

If the next few years are anything like the years between university and before cohabitation, I have some shitty times to survive through, which will possibly make for an interesting blog. (Probably not.) At some point, I will have to dive back into the pit of hell that is online dating. I'm not good at meeting people any other way. But that doesn't mean I won't try other terrible ideas like joining clubs and letting friends try to matchmake. I am hopeful that the personal development I went through in the last five years, in a large part because of my ex-wife, will help me to at least maintain a better standard of life than I had five years ago.

Some people ignore and/or deal with problems at home by throwing themselves into their work. As someone that has never enjoyed his work, only the people I work with and the money earned from work, I am finding it harder than ever to concentrate on work projects. It is somewhat comforting to know that as bad as my job performance is becoming, you don't need good job performance to maintain an acceptable level of achievement in this workplace. That might be depressing, if I cared, but I really don't. Work was always the place I had to go to for 8 hours a day (and no more, unless I'm paid extra) to fund the rest of my life. And so it shall remain, even if the home life has a lot less to offer than it used to.

It's tough to come home to an empty house after another lousy day at work. There's now a dog waiting for me, depending on me, and there are four cats as well, not quite so dependent, but always hungry. But caring for animals can not and will not fill the giant hole that has been left (getting a little cheese-ball here) in my heart. Even spending time with friends, while a welcome diversion, is temporary. My wife was supposed to be permanent. Eternal. Or, to borrow some "Lost" time-travel terminology, my constant. Losing my constant has left me feeling completely disconnected with the world. I guess it's the ol' "You complete me" concept in reverse.

I used to get a lot of joy out of playing video games for hours, or marathoning favourite TV series, or sitting outside reading a book for a day, but now I struggle to do any of these things for more than an hour at a time without getting distracted by depressing thoughts. Obviously time will remedy this problem. As I once sung, a long time ago (2001), "Time and dreams will always fade." But how much time? Stay tuned / subscribed to find out!

And so I come to the end of this first blog post. This was a lot of "poor me" nonsense (because, hey, I'm not starving and/or infected with AIDS in Africa, so what's my fucking problem?), which I promise will not be the regular content, but was necessary to lay out the blog's vision, values, and mission.

"I won't always love what I'll never have / I won't always live in my regret" – Jimmy Eat World, “23”