About Me - Atheist

Welcome to the first post in my About Me Blog Series. I don't actually plan to go through these alphabetically, but this post on the Atheist label was the easiest to write for reasons that I am about to explain.

This is not my first blog. The first was an anonymous blog that was in operation for approximately two months in 2006. (I do intend for this blog to outlive that one, which should be easy; I'm already very happy with the content and frequency of posts here.) This is actually a slightly edited and updated repost from that first anonymous blog.

Pharyngula is probably my favourite blog. PZ Myers is an outspoken atheist biologist with wordsmith skills that put most other science bloggers to shame. This post from November 2006, inspired me to write the following story about how I define atheism and how I came to consider myself to be an atheist. Long story short: I always was an atheist, even if I didn't always call myself that. But the full story will take a lot more words to tell...

I grew up in a home that was not strongly religious. My parents weren't atheists--non-practicing Christians is probably accurate--but we also didn't pay many visits to the church. My brothers and I were all baptized, and I believe that we all attended some manner of Sunday school, but none of it ever stuck with me. By the time I was old enough to question Santa Claus, I was also not feeling the god love. But as a kid, you don't really think much about these things. I didn't grow up in a religious community, so religion simply didn't play much of a role in my life.

So I have no conversion story. I never was religious. I may have been Christian in name from the baptism on, but it never played any role in my development. I couldn't tell you the first time I realized I was actually unique in not believing in god. It's just kind of always been there in the back of my head. And it wasn't until I was a teenager that I started noticing how much of the world around me was into this whole Jebus thing.

For many of my public school years, the Lord's Prayer and God Save the Queen were rituals of every morning. The only thing I can remember about this daily ritual is the day that my friend got me into a giggling fit right in the middle of it, and we were both sent out into the hall for a stern talking to. I may have recited the words every day, but they meant nothing to me. (I am glad that they have removed this type of ritual from most public schools. Even though most kids don't give a shit about this kind of thing, it just has no place in public schools.)

I can't say when I was first exposed to the idea of atheism. Maybe when I was introduced to the internet in 1995, maybe there was some TV show I saw earlier... I really can't say. But I know that religion only started bothering me in my later high school years, and this carried through to the peak of my anti-religious furor in my early years of university.

My high school years were when I really started noticing how many of the small rituals we do every day had their basis in religion. I honestly hadn't noticed nor cared before, but suddenly someone saying grace was a piss-off. Everyone has some rebellious urges in their late teen years, and my rebellion was about religion. Not god per say. Just religion.

But it was a quiet rebellion. I just refused to partake in any of the rituals anymore. I wouldn't bow my head during prayer, nor during grace. I would be the only person still sitting in church during a wedding's devotion. I liked the minor attention that I earned with this type of behaviour. More and more, I considered myself to be anti-religious--specifically anti-Christian, because Christianity was the only religion with any visibility at the time.

University only strengthened my resolve. Campus Crusade for Christ advertised everywhere, which annoyed me--but whatever, that's their right. Much worse was their visit to my dorm room on an annual basis. These were my first actual encounters with Evangelical Christians, and they left a mark.

I am a hobby musician. I play guitar, sing, etc. I started writing my own songs in my late teens. Most of the early songs were heavily influenced by the alternative music of the time--especially the depressing lyrics. It wasn't me speaking for myself, it was me trying to capture the magic of my influences with forced artificiality. But after my third visit from Campus Crusade, I wrote one of my most personal and passionately angry songs, "Campus Crusade for Christ."

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
It's not your right to judge me

I can't believe your audacity
Knock on my door to tell me
He will save me
You see, I don't believe in your Heaven or Hell
Is your God good or evil? Sometimes I just can't tell

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
It's not your place to judge me

It's pretty simple, actually
The Bible is a work of fantasy
And it makes no sense to me
You see, I don't believe the stories about your Jesus
If you think about it, it's pretty damn ridiculous

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
You have no right to judge me
I've always been this way

So stop saying I'm boarding a speeding Chariot to Hell
If Heaven's for jerks like you, I guess it's just as well

This is my last stand
I am who I am
You cannot change me
You have no right to judge me
I've always been this way

This was the beginning of a string of religion-themed songs. Religion frequently made me angry, and music is an excellent way to vent. I also started venting by moving beyond the quiet rebellion into full-on asshole territory. I became arrogant in my anti-religion, and started saying anti-religious things just to draw attention to the fact that I didn't believe the same things that most people do. I angered a lot of people that way, because for them, religion is a serious part of their life and to have someone completely disrespect it is to have someone completely disrespecting them. But I felt like this religious society was disrespecting me, so it was fair.

If I had a conversion story, and I've already said that I don't, it would probably start like this: in 1996, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she passed away in 1997. If I had still believed in a god at this time, this would have been where I would have started hating it. But there was no god for me to hate.

In response to this loss, I sat down and wrote some of my most devastating lyrics to date. It was a five part suite titled "The Whispering," and part three of the suite, "Monday," is the most relevant to this discussion. Warning!--this song does not hold back on the language!

Sure I'd like to blame Him, say it's all His fucking fault!
And it would be nice to know that my mom's in a better place
But I can't believe in Him
I won't believe in Him!

As appealing as it may be
I won't... sacrifice... my beliefs for anything

Sure I'd like to blame Him, say fuck God and fuck you all!
And it would be reassuring to know that one day we'll be reunited
But I can't believe in Him
I won't believe in Him!

What has He done for me?
I won't... sacrifice... my beliefs for anything

At my mother's funeral on the "Monday" referenced in the song title, I finally found someone to hate: the preacher that delivered the ceremony. I understand that it is the preacher's job to comfort the family. And this is hard, because death is hard. However, how is this comforting?--my mother was taken from us at a young age because she was such a good person that god wanted her by its side early. Yes, this is what he said. Was I the only person in the room that realized how inherently offensive that statement was? I know he didn't mean to slam everyone else that didn't die, but by trying to place meaning on a meaningless death, he inadvertently suggested that the rest of us weren't good enough to die yet. God didn't want us.

This is why religion pisses me off. There is no meaning in life. People die for unfair reasons all the time, and once they die, they are gone, except for the mark they left on the people they leave behind. But this doesn't mean that life is not worth living, because it is. You have to enjoy it now for what it is, not hold out for what it could be in an imaginary immortal heaven. That mark that you leave behind--that is your immortality.

Before I continue my story, I want to address what the following key words mean to me: atheism, agnosticism, irreligion, and anti-religion.

Although I haven't believed in a god for a very long time, I only recently started calling myself an atheist. Why? I don't know, but I think the word "atheist" has been unfairly used for so many years by religious folk, that the negativity around the word frightened me away from it. And I had the completely mistaken impression that atheism was as much of a religion as Christianity. Why? Because that's what Christians claim: atheism is a religion established on the faith that there is no god. But this is 100% wrong for two reasons. Firstly, atheists are united solely by sharing the same non-belief in gods but otherwise can have very different opinions on the way that the rest of the the world works. Secondly, there is no faith involved in atheism. Atheists require scientific proof. It's nonsense to claim that it requires faith to not believe in something for which there is no proof.

If a god showed itself (ignoring the obvious questions of what a god would have to do to show itself), I would have no problem changing my stance on this issue. I don't hate god. I just don't think there is a god. Prove me wrong, god! Come on! Do it! What are you scared of?

When I was seeking alternatives to atheism, I settled on anti-religion for many years. Anti-religion is far more arrogant than atheism, but I wasn't concerned about arrogance. I was against religion, and I wanted people to know that.

As I grew older and graduated from university, I pulled back from the anti-religion and settled on being non-religious (or irreligious). This is a grey area that can encompass many different spiritual beliefs. All you are saying is that you are not into the rituals of religion. You can believe in a god and still be non-religious. And this is why I eventually had to acknowledge that I was in fact an atheist. I don't believe there is a god. Why not accept that I am not only non-religious but also an atheist?

There was a very brief period where I considered myself to be agnostic. Agnostics take the position of unknowing on the issue of god. They are basically weak atheists. They don't believe in god, but aren't prepared to come out and say that.

One of the formative classes for my atheism was Philosophy 110 in university. Arguing the existence of god was a significant percentage of the course material. It became clear that most theists were actually arguing about the existence of a prime mover, some significant force that set the universe in motion, but there was no reasonable argument for the all-knowing, benevolent Christian god. That god can not exist. It is absurd. But maybe there was some force out in the universe that set this world in motion.

I am not a scientist. I can not begin to understand the complexities of the Big Bang. Does the beginning of the universe require a prime mover? Where did the prime mover come from? Where did time and space come from?

I can't answer that. Science can't fully answer that--yet!--although there is a lot of compelling evidence in astronomy and physics that is fascinating and way beyond my ability to comprehend fully. And science continues looking. Religion stopped looking thousands of years ago. This is why science should trump religion always. But I digress.

And so, with some feelings of uncertainty about the beginning of time, I decided that maybe I was agnostic. Which was just me being silly, really. I don't mean to offend agnostics, but come on!--you know you are really atheists at heart. When religion argues for god, they are not arguing for the beginning of time; they are arguing for a god that affects us here and now. Even agnostics can admit that that is bullshit.

When did I stop fence sitting and admit to myself that I was an atheist, and that atheism is not a religion nor a bad word? Only about five years ago.

After I graduated university, I started online dating. I don't want to get into a long rant on online dating, but the relevant information here is that most of the women that were looking for men online were Christian. This isn't really surprising, since most people in this country are Christian.

So, I had to phrase my profile carefully to avoid scaring off the Christian women, because if I did that, I would not be meeting very many people, thus defeating the whole purpose. I settled on describing myself as the vague non-religious. And then I wrote that I had "Christian morals."

As I wrote in point 3 of The World As I See It, morals existed long before Christianity, but many people today honestly believe that without the reward / punishment aspect of Christianity, no one would be moral. Which is patently ridiculous. But I was trying to meet women here, so I had to go with the flow and pretend that my morality is the Christian morality, even though it's really just the morality of a good person. I had to phrase it so the Christian women reading my profile would understand that I was a moral person despite not being Christian myself.

Even with these compromises in my profile, online dating was extremely unsuccessful for me for three years. I didn't move beyond e-mail with most of the women, and the few that I met in person were good people but not serious candidates for a relationship. The non-religious thing became an issue with one, who made it her mission for over a year to try to convert me. Her mission failed, obviously, but my will to continue trying to meet people that way was also failing.

And then I met my wife-to-be that way. And she was also an atheist. And it was a release. I didn't have to hide anymore. I could be an atheist, without worrying about how that was going to impact my relationship. I have never been happier with my atheist world view.

In the last five years, this feeling of freedom has led me to really explore atheism. Blogs like Pharyngula remind me that there are many like-minded people out there, even if I don't know many of them personally (excluding my ex-wife and a growing number of friends). Shows like Penn & Teller: Bullshit! exposed me to more of the skeptical community, helping me find James Randi and Richard Dawkins, two men that I greatly respect.

And so I am in a good place now. I am comfortable with being an atheist. I am open about it, without being arrogant about it.

I was selected for jury duty in late 2005. I can't discuss the case, but I can discuss what happened on the day of selection. For those that don't know, even in this day and age of diversity and multiple religions, when you are approved by both the prosecutor and defender to be on the jury, you then have to swear on the bible. When I was approved, I was really shocked--all of the young people that had been picked before me were rejected... and then the bible was brought forward. I'm surprised that my head was clear enough to realize what was happening, but I managed to croak out, "I won't swear on a bible." I didn't know what the alternative was, but it turned out to be pretty reasonable: raise your hand, instead of laying it on the bible. And the last part of the swearing, something with god somewhere in there, was just left unsaid for me.

I was the only member of the jury to choose not to swear on the bible. But after I turned the bible down, they actually asked each person if he or she would swear on the bible before it was brought forth. Obviously, my refusal was a rarity.

In the jury room, at the end of the deliberations, three weeks later, I was asked why I didn't swear on the bible. I replied, "I don't believe in that stuff." Pretty weak answer, I know. If I could go back, I would have said, "I'm an atheist." Why didn't I then? Because I still struggle with using the word "atheist" when talking to Christians.

Many Christians still have a terrible perception of atheism. It's a threatening idea to them, that someone could not believe in the being that gives them meaning. So they demonize us. They write ridiculous rants about atheism that are gobbled up eagerly by their followers. It is much easier to believe that atheists are immoral agents of the devil than reasonable human beings with a self-enforced morality based on simple principles of evolution and survival.

But atheism is picking up steam. It's becoming higher profile. More and more people are openly admitting that they see the world differently than the majority. At the same time, the fundamentalist movements are becoming louder and more frightening. Interesting times are surely ahead.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, most of the text you just read was written in 2006. I updated some references to time, combined two posts into one, and revised some sections for clarity, but that's pretty much it for editing. I left the content in its somewhat chaotically organized form, because it feels natural and heartfelt that way. This is not an essay.

Rereading this, I can't help but think, "Oh, shit, here I go again!" Because, once again, I am entering the world of online dating. My approach this time is not going to be so wishy-washy--there will be no mention of "Christian morals." I don't want to date someone that is strongly religious, and I will make that clear in my profile. Although I may go on dates with moderately religious women, just for something to do, at this point in my life I will not even consider a serious relationship with someone that isn't at least non-religious. Maybe I am severely limiting my options, but I honestly have less respect for religious people, and that is not healthy in a relationship.

And, so, that was an overly long post about how I came to call myself an atheist. Next up in the About Me series: Homebrewer (I think).